Sex Furniture 101
Sex furniture can be anything from a simple foam triangle to an elaborate contraption that looks like it should be in a dungeon. The bad news is unless you are DIY handy and can make your own, sex furniture is usually an expensive investment.
Let’s look at what kinds of furniture is out there, materials, prices and other details that will help you make an informed purchase.
WHAT IS SEX FURNITURE?
It’s any piece of furniture that aids in a sexual experience.
This can be for added excitement, making certain positions easier, or for those with handicaps or injuries.
WHAT KINDS ARE THERE?
WEDGES – These triangle pieces of foam are meant to support your body if you have to maintain a position for an extended period of time. They can be used for non-sexual purposes as well. You’ll have to buy more than one (different sizes) if you want the most versatility – just keep in mind that they are sometimes pricey. Very beginner friendly.
BEDS – It might sound like a no-brainer, but we’re not talking about the one in your bedroom. These are usually inflatable OR custom made to have the ability to attach restraints.
SIDE NOTE: There are special sheets and pillows you can buy to add extra sensations during sex or just for easy clean up (should you plan on getting messy).
CHAIRS – This group has several subgroups.
- Queening Chairs – Low seats that allow for one person to sit while another lies on their back and performs oral sex. A smother-box is the same idea but with the ability to be locked or restrained inside. Some can look like simple stools while more elaborate ones can look like thrones.
- Chaise lounges or sofa chairs – One step further than wedges. They support the entire body for various sexual positions. Some can include restraints.
- Thrones – Can be included in bondage furniture or queening chairs if they are altered accordingly (as well as high-back chairs made to look royal or menacing and aid in role play).
- Balls – Much like the posture/exercise balls you see at offices, except these have a dildo attached to them. Yay!
BONDAGE EQUIPMENT – There are many items in this category – crosses, spanking benches, stocks (of various designs) etc. All come with their own pros and cons.
If you want to buy something, but aren’t sure what to get, something simple like a spanking bench or a multipurpose piece of furniture will be a better investment.
SEX GLIDERS – Aka Monkey Rockers, they are stools you straddle and rock back and forth on. This momentum thrusts or withdraws a dildo within the stool.
They’re great for independent play (or even having your partner watch or play alongside) and they leave your hands free for other fun things. However, some people have trouble maintaining the movements through orgasm, which can be frustrating.
SEX SWINGS AND SLINGS – These are exactly what they sound like – swing devices that someone sits on during sex. Some are fixed to door frames, while others to the ceiling or an independent stand. They aid in thrusting and making difficult positions more manageable.
HOW MUCH WILL I PAY?
Don’t expect anything on this list to be a dirt-cheap steal.
Even taking the Amazon route (which I don’t always recommend) is still going to set you back a few hundred dollars … or more.
The most inexpensive options would be the wedges, inflatable things, or sex chairs ($50-100).
Then there is the age-old adage of, “You get what you pay for”…
It’s true to some degree since the nice stuff usually has better quality material, manufacturing practices, and durability. People have to earn a living with what they sell, just make sure you’re not getting robbed blind.
And don’t be surprised if something turns out to be “make-on-demand” and therefore includes a waiting time of a month or two.
WHAT ABOUT MATERIALS?
Because of the complicated nature of some designs, the material list is ENDLESS- foam, metals, wood, rubber, nylon, silicone, leather (real or fake), plastic etc.
The key things you need to remember are:
- Can I clean it easily?
- What parts are porous (and therefore impossible to sterilize)
- Will I be using it with more than one person?
- How soft/rough is the material (comfort)?
- What parts will endure the most wear and tear (and will it survive longer than a few months?)
NOTE: If any of your furniture has sex toys that go with it (like monkey rockers) make sure they are detachable and made of silicone. Otherwise, you’ll have to put a condom over the toy to keep it clean.
With some furniture, you can add things that allow restraints or other interesting/fun additions (even something as simple as hooks can be useful).
Just make sure it doesn’t compromise or weaken the structure.
If you have limited space, look for things that are inflatable, collapsible, small enough you can tuck away, or (if you don’t need to hide it) things that offer extra storage space.
EXAMPLE: a sex bed with a cage or drawers underneath it takes up far less space than if they were separate pieces.
WATCH OUT FOR
RETURNS AND WARRANTIES – They can be a pain in the ass. Read the fine print carefully and make sure there isn’t more than one rule – some will have different length guarantees on different parts of the furniture – eg. one for the motor, one for the fabric etc.
EXTRAS – If sex toys or other things are shown with the item, ask if these are included with the purchase or sold separately.
SEAMS – Make sure they’re not sharp – it’s easiest to check this if you go in person. If not, talk to the seller before you buy and keep all your correspondences.
ADJUSTMENT – Make sure anything adjustable will endure the weight as well as the “wear and tear”
DISCLAIMER: I don’t own any of these (for obvious financial reasons – I can’t afford them all). My reviews and ratings are simply opinions based on my experiences in the sex toy and kink industry.
Quality = materials and construction
Value = price vs quality
Usefulness = variety of positions etc.
Subtly = easy to hide or go unnoticed
FETISH FANTASY LOVER LOUNGE ($380)
This LOOKS like it would be a good idea (an entire lounge you can deflate and hide and detach the fucking machine),
FF products aren’t exactly known for their quality and long-life.
With that in mind (and the fact you can buy a basic fucking machine for $100), it just doesn’t seem worth it. I would LOVE to take a peek at the motor and see what’s under the hood – I’m not hopeful though.
Quality: 2/5 Value: 2/5 Usefulness: 3/5 Subtly: 5/5
THE ADELA CHAIR BY ANDRES AMAYA ($?$)
This man doesn’t only make furniture – all his erotic pieces are also works of art.
Each piece is custom made (and can be altered however you wish). Also, if you want one, you have to contact them directly and ask – there are NO prices shown.
Everything is gorgeous, but the chair example here is my favorite. It’s something you could have sitting in your living room and no one would know (assuming your other décor matched).
Quality: 5/5 Value: 4/5 Usefulness: 4/5 Subtly: 4/5
LIBERATOR FLIP-RAMP $182
I like this more than other wedges or supporters because you can flip one side over to make another shape (opening up more possibilities for sexy time).
I particularly like how the velvet upholstery can come off, is machine washable, AND the high-density foam is covered with a moisture-resistant liner.
It’s not the same as WATER-resistant or waterproof. This just means that the sweat won’t get into the foam – but other things might.
Another thing to keep in mind – you and your partner’s height might factor into how comfortable it will be and how well things will line up.
If you want something really soft, maybe steer away from this and get something inflatable. And those with soft beds might find it sinks into the mattress.
Liberator has a PILE of other models if this one isn’t for you.
Quality: 3/5 Value: 4/5 Usefulness: 4/5 Subtly: 3/5
BONDAGE FRAME TABLE ($1030)
Let’s not forget the BDSM enthusiasts out there!
I’m all about versatility, which is why I like this table … A LOT.
Not just for the fact it can flip between a rack and table, but that there are MULTIPLE holes and hoops – rope, strap, whatever kind of bondage … it’s all good.
There is also a separate menu to customize the finish and color of your purchase (but I saw you can contact them to add further adjustments).
The only thing that worries me is the width. Without testing, I have no idea how hard it would be to tip over.
Quality: 5/5 Value: 4/5 Usefulness: 5/5 Subtly: 1/5
POSITION MASTER ($30)
It’s the bargain basement option for those who want to get into sex furniture but don’t want to spend a lot at first (or can’t).
There will probably be sharp seams (it’s plastic after all) and I bet it won’t last more than a couple of tries – and for $30, I don’t see why users are surprised it doesn’t last years.
It’s also not a large piece. So, double check the measurements before you buy to see if it will be okay.
You might get black fuzz all over you too (from the fake “velvet” finish) – throw on a towel if so.
Quality: 1/5 Value: 2/5 Usefulness: 3/5 Subtly: 4/5
TRIO LOVE CUSHION ($270)
The Trio Cushion review section is riddled with mixed feelings.
The vibrators themselves are apparently decent enough (which are sold separately btw).
The settings and controlling it are a pain in the ass (mostly because it’s only magic wands shoved through three holes in the stool – which can be too tall for some people).
Personally, I wouldn’t shell out money for it.
Quality: 2/5 Value: 2/5 Usefulness: 2/5 Subtly: 1/5
INTERNATIONAL ROCKIN CHAIR ($400)
I’m not sure where all the “hype” is coming from (unless is company generated).
The vibrator bulb screams, “I’m in the wrong place”. To sit in any comfortable location, the buzz mound will either be on your ass or too far away from your crotch – and hovering over the edge seems like it will make it fall over … not “rock”.
A pretty hard fail for such a large lump of money, IMO.
Quality: 3/5 Value:2/5 Usefulness: 2/5 Subtly: 1/5
THE FUCK BENCH ($500)
It’s sturdy and you know exactly what you’re getting.
The marine-grade vinyl will be very durable, and the whole thing is adjustable. I like how the wand attachment is included and not some shitty “but this extra” thing.
The only thing I see as a possible negative is the straps – not sure if they are long enough to accommodate larger lovers.
Quality: 4/5 Value:4/5 Usefulness: 4/5 Subtly: 1/5
SMOTHER BOX ($350-520)
It’s got the “at-home-crafted” look – which isn’t necessarily a bad thing. But I just hate the black painted wood look (in all things, not just sex furniture).
I DO like the head sling and how it can be adjusted. The eye hooks are great for attaching handcuffs etc.
I’m just not sold on the price vs quality – I’m handy enough that I could make it myself for FAR less than 300.
Quality: 3/5 Value:3/5 Usefulness: 4/5 Subtly: 1/5
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Grats! You’re now better-armed for your sex furniture journey! And remember, these reviews are just one drop in a very large ocean of possibilities. So, start surfing and see what gems you can uncover. Also, if you’ve tried any of these models, and want to share your experiences, leave a comment!